Spencer Iowa 1958 Telephone Directory

Spencer Iowa 1958 Telephone Directory 1

Spencer Iowa 1958 Telephone Directory 2

Spencer Iowa 1958 Telphone Directory 3

Realized $14.99 8/29/15



Iowa Lakes Region 1956 Telephone Directory Arnolds Park Wahpeton Okoboji Spirit Lake Milford

Lakes Region 1956 Telephone Directory 1

Lakes Region 1956 Telephone Directory 2

Lakes Region 1956 Telephone Directory 3

Realized $13.98 7/30/15



Red Wing Advertising Bean Pot Spencer Iowa Cement Block Works With Lid

Spencer Bean Pot 1

Spencer Bean Pot 2

Spencer Bean Pot 3

Spencer Bean Pot 4

Spencer Bean Pot 5

Spencer Bean Pot 6

Realized $44.98 11/8/15



The Grateful Dead And Aretha Franklin Fare Thee Well Chicago And Sioux City Shows

How I spent my summer vacation 7/6/15 (after it’s over). Somebody scheduled the Grateful Dead Fare Thee Well Chicago #2 night at the same time as Aretha Franklin at Saturday In The Park at Sioux City. There were some notable moments in Sioux City (although not from Aretha as far as I’m concerned) but let’s just gloss over those. Try to catch the North Mississippi All Stars someplace sometime.

Now, about that Grateful Dead reunion at Soldier Field, which is where I personally saw them last, although that was in 1994, and I didn’t attend in 1995. Still, that’s where I left off. So did everybody. They came back because Bob in particular seemed to think it would be necessary due to the fact that it’s 50 years after the band pretty much started.

They played two nights in Santa Clara last weekend, and I wrote about those on my Facebook page and I’m pretty sure I felt enthusiastic about those two nights. If you were me, you sort of had to be. There was some noise on the Internet about Phil doing too much singing and some other stuff, most of which I also mentioned on my Facebook page. I don’t mind Phil’s singing-he’s been at it for a long time now and I think he’s getting better, but I am also extremely reluctant to criticize his style or delivery because he is, ah, A FOUNDING MEMBER OF THE BAND who always did do some singing. It is not up to me how they divide that up (the singing thing).

There are folks who wonder why they seem to do Drums/Space every night. It is probably somewhat politically incorrect of me to mention it, but there are probably other people who don’t like hearing that little extra track in every show when Phil does his Donor Rap either.

Sometimes they goof up some words or some little timing thing or maybe the keyboards are somehow mixed too low (they were in the YouTube video, but not-so-much in the audience recordings I have, and anyway, they seem to have fixed that for the last four shows). I thought sometimes it was funny that the cameras didn’t follow the guitar that was soloing. Surely, they didn’t have somebody in the production chain who wasn’t particularly familiar with who was playing what, did they?

Let’s slip over to Sioux City for a moment here. I met several interesting people and had several interesting conversations, but during the break between somebody and somebody, a kid accosted me with “hey, were you in the Sixties”? I told him I was familiar with the era. He then proceeded to ask me if I’d ever seen Janis Joplin. Well, no, but I did catch Big Brother & The Holding Co. at some surprise performance in Iowa City. Janis had become Kathi McDonald. The kid wanted to know if I’d ever heard the Jefferson Airplane. Well, heard, of course. Saw ’em once when they were Jefferson Starship but even they thought they sucked that night (Grace apologized, it was the last night of a tour which had been in Europe and her voice was shot).

Then the kid said it: “I hate the Grateful Dead”. That’s a funny thing to tell me on the Fourth Of July at a musical event while we’re talking about loving bands from San Francisco. I was unable to decipher whatever it was that the kid was trying to use as his explanation for that, but I countered with “did you notice that little Quicksilver Messenger Service” lick in that last band’s one song?”. The kid didn’t get it. It was a line from Who Do You Love that I was mentioning. The one that goes like “who do you love”?

The kid didn’t hear it. I’m not positive that I did either, but I’m pretty sure, although I’ve already forgotten the band’s name. I had already lost my patience with the kid. I knew the answer when I asked him “have you ever BEEN to a Grateful Dead show?”. He was clearly under 20 and the band stopped suddenly 20 years ago. Don’t do the math and you come up with the same answer. Of course he hadn’t, and he replied “oh you woulda had to have been there huh?”.

Oh, I don’t know. It certainly helps. I told him “don’t worry about it, not even THEY liked their records”. I wasn’t wearing any Dead related anything, by the way. I saw two t-shirts all day-one on the guitar player for the BB King tribute and one green shirt on a random guy that had a Steal Your Face on it. So the kid couldn’t have been sure whether *I* had ever been to a Dead show. He had no idea they were playing in Chicago, nor was he going to.

Eventually it gets to be time to see Aretha Franklin. I am skeptical. It gets to be PAST time. This event has a well-defined closing time and they’re on schedule. With 40 minutes to go (including encore time) it’s gonna be over and she’s not there. FINALLY her orchestra annoys guys like me with some stuff and they announce Aretha like she’s in Las Vegas someplace.

She came out and did some stuff until thirteen minutes after ten and seems to be done. The orchestra stretches out the time with another number or two and Aretha reappears for what has to be RESPECT and does one of those long gospel raps about whatever health scare she had recently. Other reviewers will no doubt say otherwise, but I believe that is all you need to know.

Back to Chicago. Thanks to the magic of Video On Demand I can watch the Saturday Night show (#4), but it takes me a little while because I have to crash and et. cetera. Of course I checked the setlist, but it was impossible NOT to guess at least the closer and the encore. A lot of the middle of the list was stuff that if I HAD to miss it, I was willing to miss it and watch this nice video later.

They rarely get it completely right of course and you learn that, if you put ’em too high on the pedestal.

Sunday filled up instantly here with that video followed by the Sunday (last) show. I had already been struck by this, but I have never heard five Grateful Dead shows in a row like these last ones in which I could understand all the words. It doesn’t hurt to take 40 years to study the lyrics, but none the less, both of the “new” singers-Trey and Bruce, enunciate quite well, and it’s unusual that I can’t understand Phil or Bob. So it sounds nice.

But it’s not just nice. It’s really really good, with no goofy technical stuff and a band that has had a while to think about the set list. No tuning, just a well-run set after set. The sound is almost perfect, the lights coordinate well, the band is REALLY professional. They nailed stuff they never got right in the first place. They updated stuff from the first album that they DIDN’T cook on the road for decades.

Since those seven guys had only technically played five shows for the world by the time they got done, it was good enough to be something that was just getting started.

Even Weir assures us now “more stuff will happen”.

I guess, for me, it provides a closure I’m not sure I was looking for. The Grateful Dead once drove their record label crazy by churning out weird stuff; they didn’t like playing in a studio in the first place. It used to be unheard-of for somebody to leak a set list like they’ve been doing lately, mostly because the band didn’t HAVE one unless they maybe called those from a huddle at the line of scrimmage. They never HAD a night that didn’t have some little delays for something-or-other (ok, maybe they have, but I never saw one). Or forgotten lyrics, not there weren’t a couple here, or trouble just playing together, or a surly crowd to please. But they just don’t turn in technically next-to-perfect shows like that, even if they think they’re “taping” (grin, they were always “taping”).

So as we go forward, my biggest realization is in that small point: was this just all a money grab?

Are you kidding? NOBODY delivers three nights like those last Chicago shows who is merely selling something. Those guys were still perfecting “The Golden Road (To Unlimited Devotion)”. No, it was not all a money grab. There were grabbers, no doubt about it, but they weren’t standing on the stage.

I hope they reconsider that “never again” part, but if they don’t, I saw a perfect show; we all did.

Vulcan / Wedding Album aka Meet Your Ghost aka Hard As Rock LP

Here is a rare Vulcan LP recently consigned to us:

Vulcan Wedding Album Inclusions 1

Vulcan Wedding Album Inclusions 2

Vulcan Wedding Album Inclusions 3

Vulcan Wedding Album Inclusions 4

Vulcan Wedding Album Inclusions 5

Vulcan Wedding Album Inclusions 6

This is the enigmatic Vulcan album, originally titled Hard As Rock, then renamed by the artist as Wedding Album, and later renamed by the artist Meet Your Ghost.  Originally attributed to Lyle Steece of Vulcan in its original incarnation as Hard As Rock, the album has been variously altered over history by Mr. Steece.  The recording itself, no matter which iteration, is always the same (except for a later 2LP reissue).  Authentic covers are white, usually with a paste-over photograph of a “ghost” and a woman, while easily-found bootlegs feature the same black and white photo in a litho version.

From there it gets a little confusing.  Straight out of the pressing plant, the album had a silver professionally printed label, and the title Hard As Rock.  Some time thereafter, Mr. Steece found it necessary to paste photocopier labels over that silver one.  Many of those paste-over labels bear a 1985 date, although as you can see in the inclusions presented here, there was a 1975 date also produced, although it is unknown to this author whether it was ever used.

Vulcan himself distributed some copies of the album, number unknown.  The rest were distributed by Merrie Melodie, a retail store in Spencer Iowa, and Rainy Day Music, a later retail store at the same location.  Number of copies sold by Merrie Melodie is unknown, number of copies sold by Rainy Day Music known to be under 15.  This seller has also sold three copies at this venue (eBay) over the years.

As Lyle replenished the supply at either store, he made various alterations to the label, the paste-over cover photo, or both, and sometimes visited either store to add inclusions, or subtract inclusions, or to make white-out changes to various notes.

This copy is interesting in that it has more inclusions than other copies this author has seen or traded.  The record itself is unplayed, easily established by the fact that there is no spindle hole.  That is not unusual.  The record could use a little cleaning, it is presented here as-found, which includes some dust.  This particular copy was NOT sold at either Spencer store, which spared it some of the alterations that most other copies present.  It is not uncommon to find “Wedding” in the title whited-out, and the line “Produced By” is usually whited-out to exclude Teresa Steece.

We have seen (or own) other copies of this album which sometimes include the “letter from Jesus”, the Lyle And Janet piece, the marriage certificate, but not all, and this is the only copy we’ve seen with a template for the label with the mysterious 1975 date which was perhaps the actual recording date.

We are unable to determine who Patricia Ann York (on the license) was or what the role of either woman was in the actual production of the recording, if any.

Many copies of this album featured a front and back cover wrap-around paper black and white photo of a woman with a missing figure, presumably the “ghost” of Meet Your Ghost as the album was finally known.  Our item for sale here is an earlier example of its evolution, and could probably be referred to as “second state”, and is plain white as we believe it came from the pressing plant.  The paste-over label has been slightly peeled at one edge, revealing the original silver label underneath.

Before you could find the occasional listing at eBay Meet Your Ghost was extensively boot-legged by German boot-leggers.  The value of these originals, no matter how few they really are, as masters for counterfeits is gone.  The album was also professionally re-issued in 2010 as a 2 LP gatefold copy with expanded content, so the originals are also no longer the only way to obtain the record for listening purposes.  But if you’re interested in the enigmatic history of the record, this is a very early copy in a state just one step off of the original one.  It includes no white-out alterations, no rubber stamps and no hand-written notes, but DOES include various associated documents in relatively pristine condition.

Artist/Title: Vulcan / Meet Your Ghost

Label: North Star Productions ST 38456

Tracks:

* Prelude
* High C’
* Lightning
* Noname
* Count On Us Next Time
* One Nighter
* Untitled Instrumental (2.b. Continued)
* Title Track
* The End

Buy with confidence, check the feedback, questions welcome-we’re the original source for this record and have placed more copies world wide than anyone else.

Realized $49.97 6/10/15

Red Wing Stoneware Advertising Bean Pot Gylling Emmetsburg Iowa

Bean Pot 1

Bean Pot 2

Bean Pot 3

Bean Pot 4

Realized $60.89 8/3/14


Fifteen Years at eBay

Today is my fifteenth anniversary at eBay. I had discovered the site in a hotel room using something called Lodgenet (which I think was Webtv for hotels). I knew right away I had to get involved.

I used to run little classified ads in Linn’s Stamp News and enjoyed the trading I did in collectible stamps there, but THIS let a guy use pictures and more words and reach a “worldwide” audience.

Of course, I didn’t have a digital camera, so the pictures were out, and I had to rely on just text, but that’s another story.

After the hotel stay, the following Monday I hightailed it over to the Spencer Public Library since I didn’t have a computer, and used theirs to register. Dewey The Cat, later to be the subject of a New York Times best selling book, watched me do that.

Pick a user name, the thing said. I’m a fan of a band called the Grateful Dead and they had a song called St. Stephen which has a line that goes “one man gathers what another man spills”. I thought that probably fit nicely, so I chose “saintsteven”, a play on my name and that song. It took. I was later to lose the name and had to adopt a variation, but that’s yet another story.

For the first few weeks or maybe months, I was a buyer. I had a little indie record store and I discovered right away that I could buy low at eBay and sell high at the store. The record business is like that, full of folklore about what’s rare and what isn’t. Some titles that sold well in Spencer were plentiful on the internet at low prices. Mason Proffit’s album Wanted comes to mind. It was a hot number in Iowa due to their appearance once at the Wadena Rock Festival, but not particularly difficult to run down at seven or eight dollars at eBay, and it regularly commanded twenty-five in my bins.

One day it occurred to me that *I* could do this stuff. I had records that were picked over and unsold, and I listed a box of bluegrass records at some low price because I couldn’t get a nickel for them in my outlaw hard rock store. Wham! Seventy-some dollars, as I recall. I photographed that guy’s check, minus his contact info and framed it. First Internet dollar.

Since I couldn’t use photos, I had to rely on crafty text, and I didn’t mind that challenge one bit. It became my daily routine to do several write-ups at my store, close it for a few minutes and run over to the library to post the new listings. Stuff sold. You could sell anything there, even though eBay was already four years old. The novelty was powerful.

Eventually the library figured it out, thanks to a newspaper article about the guy who augmented his store sales with this Internet stuff. Dewey The Cat’s author sidled up to me one day while I was posting and said “we couldn’t help but notice that nice article about you in the newspaper”.

I thanked her, thinking that was nice, when she mentioned “But you can’t do that here. Our computers are not for commercial use”. I promised not to do that anymore, trying to figure out a go-around, and the next day when I popped in to check my email, they made it obvious they intended to enforce that rule by peering over my shoulder while I was computing.

I HAD acquired a Webtv unit by that time, or rather, my girlfriend had, but I had to travel forty miles to use it.

Miraculously, Bruce from the Beehive appeared at my counter one day and GAVE me an obsolete computer that was good enough to list via a tool called MisterLister (and a dial up connection), and I could drive the 40 miles and start that stuff in the evening, which I felt was the optimum time to start and end auctions.

That went on for a long time, although he eventually did want that computer back so he could give it to a grand kid. I broke down and rented one, continuing to use the dial up. I probably had a thousand “feed backs” already by that time.

This version is going to leave out a lot of fun details, because I want to compare THAT eBay to today’s eBay.

It was the wild, wild west. Almost anything went. Feedback might have been the backbone of the system, but it wasn’t the stick and carrot that it is today. The unexpected part for me was the community aspect. It wasn’t efficient for me to use the chat boards and the discussion boards while I had a half hour at the library and it took me a while to discover that community. But one Saturday night I saw Alicia Keys (September 29, 2001) and I thought she was pretty good, so I made my first post on the Music Board. It didn’t take long for one of the regulars there to tell me Alica Keys was terrible. That fascinated me and I vowed to not let him get away with that. Eventually we became fast friends, ultimately meeting at West Bend where he and his wife were traveling on a vacation that included lots of visits to rock places (the geologic kind, not the music kind).

But back to then versus now. There was no PayPal. There WAS the ubiquitous feedback, but it wasn’t as detailed as it is today and it was really ONLY for the buyer to assess a seller (and vice versa), not a weapon for The Venue to control sellers’ behavior.

There were no Buy It Nows, no Stores. And for me, no pictures, although I did eventually figure out how to get my film digitized (thank you Seattle Filmworks), so if you could write cleverly, it was a powerful tool. I specialized in thorough descriptions with a large pinch of irreverence, often making light fun of the Thing I was selling.

It worked. I was in heaven. I sold records, CD’s, other commercial stuff I could replace through the store’s vendors and even sticks and rocks and found objects, and even the styrofoam packing peanuts some of my shipments were packed in.

Eventually, by 2001, my online sales outstripped my counter sales. I made that fateful decision: pack up the store and take it all home, which I did early in 2002.

From that point, things became a little less fun. Kind of serious, in fact, since the mortgage payment and grocery bill now relied strictly on those sales and my supply of record collections that USED to walk through the door weekly dried up.

Still, it worked, and I racked up around a thousand feed backs a year.

Things loped along until 2008. Then something terrible happened. Management at eBay changed. I had sold my house and moved three years prior to that because the bank was getting a little uptight about me and my late payments, and I had also launched my own site at the same time. Good thing too, because the new management (hired from Bain & Co), hated the “flea market”.

I have never figured out how he got the stockholders to embrace that concept, but he did. They began tightening down the screws. I had created an eBay Store, with some 750 items, mostly because they made it incredibly attractive to do that, but it didn’t take very long for them to create a buyer-vs-seller dichotomy. New rules upon rules became rampant, fee structures bounced around wildly, and by 2010, The Purge was in full swing. Whatever seemed broken to insiders at eBay was the sellers’ faults. I found myself violating rule after rule that I had never heard of, even though I never did (even to this day) anger any buyers badly enough to draw a “negative”. Well, yes, there WERE a couple of negatives, but they were from kooks and kids and I managed to get them removed.

By the Fall of 2010, it had become intolerable and I closed the store, moved it to my own site and never regretted that. I did continue to list, even to this day, because I had a partner feeding me antiques to sell and paying me a commission for those sales that I didn’t care to give up. But I stopped enjoying it-it had become a “business”, the thing I was trying to avoid. I was trying to have a good time.

It’s been love/hate since then. Even though us sellers are the scourge of the site, somehow endangering the executives’ multimillion dollar deals, I’ve continued, but these days I have to drag myself to the keyboard to do it. I’m not crazy; I don’t want to walk away from the money, which in reality is so far below poverty level that I qualify for all kinds of government assistance I don’t actually use.

It looks a LITTLE like they might lighten up a bit this year. Now those of us who sell “collectibles” have a new deal, and now we have SOME protection against rogue feed back which increased dramatically when sellers could only leave buyers one kind (good). I have long wondered why sellers can leave any feed back at all, and I’ll bet money by next January that they won’t be able to. That’s fine, it’s a pain to meticulously go in there and leave every trading partner the same thing. I’ve used canned feed back for years and years now, since it’s meaningless when it’s from seller.

eBay seemed so obsessed with becoming Amazon Junior that I’ve flirted with Amazon for several years now, cutting out the middleman. Amazon has never hard-assed me at all, except I can’t sell toys during Christmas time because I don’t have enough of a track record.

But my real love is my own site, saintstevensthingery.com. Too bad I’m not a better code writer, it’s not real flashy, but it does some business. And it doesn’t concentrate on commodity junk like both eBay and Amazon do. Personally more fulfilling.

I owe eBay a lot, mostly from eye-opening. It’s a bigger world out there than I had ever imagined. If Mason Proffit’s album never WAS particularly hard-to-find, it’s also true that Things mundane to American me are quite highly sought by International buyers. Today, since I’m actually retired, the money thing is not very important anymore, but the citizen-of-the-world thing is priceless.

I’ll probably continue at eBay, at least as long as my partner in antiques wants to, but at least for this horse, the carrot and stick technique just isn’t going to work anymore.

I didn’t even thoroughly read the August update, where they start punishing people for “defects” that drive buyers from THEIR site. Their site was not built by committees and lawyers, it was built by guys like me. They can have what it has become. I thought I ran away from that once anyway, when I bailed from the brick-and-mortar and the landlord.

Like Neil Young said in his album Greendale,

Got to get past
The negative thing
The lawyers and business
You get what you bring
No one’s sorry
You did it yourself
It’s time to relax now
And then give it hell





The RBE 533 Pink Compact 30 Counter Unit Oven And Its Element

It Exploded
It Exploded

This turns out to be a burned out “baking element” (as opposed to broiling element, which is fine) inside a pink stove which among other things identifies itself as a RBE-533 Frigidaire, Product Of General Motors oven, which I now understand is probably really a range. Something about having burners on top makes it that.

I first suspected our RBE-533 was not operating correctly when it failed to heat the meatloaf inside oven and the green beans in a pan on top of the thing on the front left burner. It worked for a while, because things started to get warm, but I must have missed a pop or a bang of some kind because right after the element blew apart as shown (also making the mess as shown-I’m not that bad), things stopped getting warmer and I could touch either the element inside the oven or any of the burners on the top without feeling any temperature at all.

After a quick turn to the microwave and a hurried dinner, I returned to the scene of the crime and discovered that the oven element had exploded. Aha. That didn’t explain why the lights still worked but it might have something to do with why the top burners were not working.

I find that somehow I have become very insecure without my cooking life and I began to fret. I know we’re not replacing this oven because despite the fact that it turns out to be fifty years old, it is pink, and it matches the pink twirly stools in the kitchen and all of that matches the entire original house. While these are not necessarily my values exactly, this machine is still somehow now my turf (I do all the cooking here) and I must somehow fix it.

I did Internet research. After all, if I can’t do that, what can I do, and I discovered many interesting things about the RBE-533, including a nice pdf of its owner’s manual. The manual didn’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that everything stops working at once, so I decided to concentrate on the burned out element, as it seemed central to the problem.

That part is stamped with a number, and there’s at least one web site that tells us the number has been changed over the years to a new number: 5309950886. That’s good, we discover, because those are available from a variety of sources, including Amazon and eBay, the two venues to which I am likely to turn if all things are equal. The only thing is: part 5309950886 doesn’t have a bar between the two prongs that plug into the electrical stuff, and nobody’s talking about what that bar that WAS on our original piece used to do, so perhaps it somehow became unnecessary. At least the advice to several angst-ridden owners like myself with the same problem was always the same, they always referred to that OEM number and no other variations or possibilities.

Having become unabashedly attached to my pink oven in the middle of a meatloaf, I lost some sleep and hatched a plan. I will get up in the morning and go into town. I never do that, at least not in that order.

I arrived at an appliance store with a national name and they refered me to a fixing place (telephone conversation) that has a national base and after they confused me a little with somebody who lives in Idaho (I live in Iowa) and failed to gather some other information, we finally got to the part where I can give them a model number and they can schedule a maintenance call for December 27. That’ll be ninety bucks whether it winds up fixing anything or not.

December 27 doesn’t fit well into my holiday plans.

I went uptown again to another appliance place, element in hand. When they heard the model number of the oven, they told me they couldn’t even reference that. It’s too old. After some ruminating about what that might mean, I tell them: try #53099500886 in your computer there, and bing! there it was-the element without the middle prong that might not do anything. Thirty bucks. I said, ok, if I can figure out what’s wrong with the top burners I want one. Sensing a thirty dollar sale in the middle of their nine hundred dollar merchandise, the guy suggests: check your fuses. I tell him there are oven lights that are still working. He tells me the range has two power sources.

Oh…………………….I know where that fuse box is. It’s in the back of a closet and all I have to do is move a bunch of framed pictures and Christmas decorations (yes, those could be out anyway) between the box and me and after some quick geometry and other feats, I move the junk, find the box, find a fuse that looks different, replace it, and nothing changes.

I return to the appliance store. I tell the guy I replaced this fuse (in my hand) and nothing happened. He connects me to the guy who actually fixes ovens. We’re standing there looking at each other. This doesn’t happen often enough.

He looks at the fuse and says “it’s not that fuse. That’s a 30 amp fuse, you need to find a blown 50 amp fuse”. I find out there are more fuses in the box, not all of them look like mine, and sure enough, after I turn off the whole house pulling out the fuse drawers with the bigger fuses, I find it. There’s another one of that kind handy. I plug it in, the top of the stove works again. Oh hooray, thank you.

I reset all the digital stuff that I turned off everywhere, determined that my computer didn’t die in its unexpected crash, and called the store: yup, you’re right, it was that fuse, please order the replacement thirty dollar element.

I called the national fixing place back and told them they could cancel my December 27 date, I have solved the problem. They told me they have nothing in the system about that and request I call back again tomorrow to make sure there is still nothing in the system, and if there isn’t, I won’t need to cancel it, the order got lost. That’s frustrating, because “we” had a lot of trouble putting that order into the system; it took easily a half hour or more.

Still, unless that middle bar it doesn’t have turns out to actually do something, the problem is virtually solved, although we must wait a day or two for the part. That’s nothing unusual, I’m waiting until Thursday for headlight assemblies for my car.

And if it will just go back to heating stuff again, especially in time for the big holiday coming up, even if I burn myself on it, I will never curse or yell at my pink stove again, even if that doesn’t fit my image.

Maybe I’ll get a 60s apron.





The Electronic Cigarette

Today I invested 1/7 of my available funds in a disposable electronic cigarette. It said it delivered the rough equivalent of two packs of cigarettes. At its price that’s still more than I spend now for two packs of cigarettes, but I smoke very cheap cigarettes.

Anyway, I’d pay a little more to “fit in”. I’m getting kind of tired of smoking in odd outdoor places and of course I no longer go anywhere that doesn’t allow some kind of smoking at all.

It’s not so much about the judgmental people who explain to me the various reasons why I should not smoke, especially around them, as it is about the funny places where I have to do it. I attend something and I wind up on the fringe of the event or ducking and hiding and missing an event which one way or another cost me money just to attend.

It IS a little bit about my workplace, because people get real mad when something that smells like tobacco comes through the mail addressed to them, but even more about that, it’s about burning my sweatpants.

I often dress for comfortable combat if I know I’m going to be spending a lot of keyboard time and the standard uniform for my combat is a t-shirt and sweatpants. I burn them a lot because I smoke like a loon while I “keyboard” (verb).

I rushed home from the store with the eight dollar cigarette. After a bit of a struggle I penetrated its hermetic seal and read the little slip of paper. “This cigarette” it said, and I shouldn’t be quoting because I’m making it up “will work when you draw on it, and glow red, and you will exhale some stuff that looks like smoke but is really water and it’ll last for about as long as two packs of cigarettes”. The clerk had warned me: they don’t taste very swell, you have to draw hard and they’re not worth it.

I have previously not cared about what things taste like. I didn’t care what these tasted like, but it was acceptable anyway.

And it worked. Right away I started to jones for slightly more nicotine, but I had bought some medium version and there was a higher nicotine version, so no big deal. I sat down to the keyboard and began to compose (actually, I think I began to game, but they’re similar). In the summer, since my room is upstairs and a bit warm at times like during unrelenting heat waves, my sweatpants become a pair of Iowa Hawkeye hiking shorts, so I usually burn my leg rather than the pants. This did not happen. I am ecstatic. The thing dangles right in my mouth. I can walk around with it. I can pack stuff while not-smoking it. It doesn’t have any odor.

I didn’t keep track of the time but I can rarely be intense at the keyboard for longer than an hour or an hour and a half without having to change activities and I had already mowed part of the yard in the heat earlier so I decided to nap, having discovered this amazing new technology.

I gave me and the cigarette an hour’s rest and eagerly returned to the experiment but this time the little front part that glows like it’s on fire blinked instead, and blinking means it’s “out”. No vapor that looks like smoke but isn’t. Fail.

Dammit. I am either capable of smoking the equivalent of two packs of cigarettes in a hour when I’m doing it enthusiastically or so or the thing was defective or the claim is a little exuberant. The thing’s guaranteed in some way so I wrote to the company and I also ordered a sample of the more-nicotine kind.

I really wanted it to work. There are other kinds, and there is a non-disposable refillable kind and maybe among those is a solution. Like I say, it isn’t so much about the judgmental people as it is about the sweatpants, but as it turns out it’s ALSO about the ashtray which occupies valuable real estate on my desk and the lighters all over the place which occupy certain real estate in my brain keeping track of them……….

If it just isn’t to be though-if I really am capable of vaporizing eight dollars worth of nicotine in a hour or so, I’ll be very disappointed. I really thought I was on to something.

Iowa Hawkeyes Garden Gnome

hawkeyes garden gnome

Realized $19.99 1/12/13